i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
