Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
