you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
