You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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