I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
