escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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