Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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