my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
You brought string cheese to the strip club
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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