My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Randomize
