I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
if only i could text you this smell
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
