When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
