Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Randomize
