I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
