There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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