You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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