Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
