UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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