Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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