My friends, they love my intelligence
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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