You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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