Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
