Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
