I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
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