Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
