"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
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