I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
