Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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