I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Randomize
