I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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