my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
