fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Randomize
