I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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