Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
