she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
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