I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Randomize
