Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
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