I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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