i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
