I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
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