Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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