How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Randomize
