That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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