she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Randomize
