Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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