nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize
