Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Randomize
