Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
