I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
