I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
