Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
